I’ve been trying to write this post for a month now. It just wasn’t happening. I couldn’t condense the largeness of my feelings and thoughts on the matter, so I ended up rambling in circles to myself. It wasn’t pretty. Until…
A Salon.com article (shared by an acquaintance on FaceBook) did the condensing for me. The article, entitled “Someone to hold me” written by Emily Rapp, is too big for me to comment on in its entirety here and I’m not sure how much I’ve actually digested yet. But it was good and vast and interesting. You should read it.
Here’s the a-ha line…
Being a mother to Ronan has taught me that to live authentically means always to balance on the lip of loss; there is no other way.
THAT, my friends, is what I’ve been trying to say.
I try to be accepting and grateful for my luck. Goodness. This life is a good one, a rich one. And sometimes, just sometimes, when life is meandering along, and I’m taking time to recognize my great gratitude to the universe for this lovely little life I hear a little voice. The little voice reminds me of that balance.
The little voice whispers about accidents, illnesses, deaths. The little voice mocks my luck, and my easy, blessed life. The little voice taunts me, dares me to have a third child, dares me to take my healthy children and family for granted. The little voice threatens me with the randomness of the universe, the unfairness. The little voice says, “Just wait.” It dares me to forget, just for a second, how good I really have it.
Sometimes as I endeavor to live authentically (or to even figure out what that really means), I hear that little voice, and I stand on that lip, that precipice, and feel my position is so precarious that I need to hold my breath, to stay still, to not even dare to whisper my thanks out loud, for fear I will upset the balance. But I’ve come to realize that to be paralyzed on that lip, is different from balancing on that lip.
Balance – a word that, for me, evokes grace, gracefulness, strength, resilience, power and compromise – is the goal. And that is what I will work on.