To My Child

Posted in Baby, Beauty, Children, Kid Stuff, Kids, Mommydom, motherhood, Parenting by

To My Child

I hope you learn that life isn’t fair.  But that that doesn’t mean it is all bad.

I hope you smile at people, even strangers, and look people in the eye.

I hope you chew with your mouth closed.

I hope you learn how to listen – really listen – to others when they need to be heard, and to the quiet beat of your own heart.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BJ-2ue3jmrr/?taken-by=sarkytartlet

 

I hope you learn to win and lose with grace.

I hope you love and appreciate the beautiful, intricate, amazing body you’re in.

I hope you can be silly for the joy of it, and can laugh at yourself and with others kindly.

I hope you have good manners and know when to use them (almost always) and when to relax them.

I hope you trust. In others, and in yourself.

I hope you know how to make something with your own brain and hands – a song, food, a painting, a stone wall.

I hope you learn, without too many tough consequences, that attempts to escape problems, hurt, and heartbreak never really work for long.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BKdyYH9DTe8/?taken-by=sarkytartlet

 

I hope you pick up after yourself.

I hope you decide that it is wise and healthy to get enough sleep.

I hope you learn how to advocate for yourself without demanding, complaining or whining.

I hope you understand that stuff is just stuff.

I hope you learn you can expect goodness, but not perfection, from other people. Or from yourself.

I hope you learn how to own up to your own misdeeds, mistakes and slights without excuses, blame or deflection.

I hope you keep learning, about the world, about other people, and about yourself.

I hope you work in any small or large way to make your community, corner, city, world, a tiny bit more just and beautiful.

And I hope you know that when in doubt, you should just put stuff in the trash, and not the garbage disposal.

First Day and Everyday

Posted in Baby, Balance, Children, Home, Kid Stuff, Kids, Mommydom, motherhood, Parenting by

Pickle

First grade starts next week.

First grade for my kind, freckled thinker who is finding his voice, and up at night pondering the merits of inboard motors.

He will be fine.  What choice does he have other than to be fine, to navigate his life on his own, at least a little bit, and figure out the way of the world through the small, significant, triumphs and heartbreaks of childhood.

The skinny-legged boy with the too-big backpack (aren’t they all?) will walk into school and I will drive away.  And get a coffee.  And drive to work.  I will not worry.

I am ready for the big moments.

I am ready for first steps, lost teeth, first days.  I am ready to watch them glide away without training wheels, to sound out books on their own, to tie their shoes.

My tender heart catches when I least expect it.

When the biggest helps the littlest with his shoes.

When the middle uses a big word I haven’t heard her use before.

When the wobbly toddler gait all of a sudden becomes smooth and coordinated.

We may mark the time with first steps and first days.  But it is those tiny changes, the ones we almost don’t see, that add up to people, our people, growing a hair’s width every night.  Our little people whose lives slowly and beautifully start to become their own, separate from us.  One millimeter, one second at a time.

In the cool dark, the clock ticks and they sing our bedtime songs with lyrics of their own.  And then a quiet pause as they drift away into dreams that are theirs alone.

 

 

Just a Tiny Bit Magic

Posted in Children, Kid Stuff, Kids, Mommydom, motherhood, Parenting by

He thumps quickly into the bedroom, breathless and scared.

“Mom, I had a scary dream,” he says, voice shaky.

“Oh honey, I’m sorry.  What was your dream about?”

“There was a bad man with white eyes who made me go to jail,” he says, crawling up into my bed and into my arms.

“That sounds very scary.  But you’re safe.  No one is going to take you to jail. You’re safe,” I repeat.

He sighs, his body relaxes, but his heart still pounds.  We snuggle in the pre-dawn light. I can just hear the birds starting to sing.  After a quiet few moments I ask, “Are you ready to go back in your bed?”  He nods.

“Will you carry me?” he asks, voice low.  It is a rare request.

“Of course,” I say as I pick him up and he wraps his thin, strong, spidery limbs around me.

I place him in bed, pull the covers over him, kiss his head and return to my bed.

Three minutes later I hear his footsteps again.

“Mom, I can’t get the pictures out of my head, can you erase them?”

I nod.

He climbs into my bed, and I reach up to rub the back of his head.  I brush his hair from his eyes, and massage his scalp, mumbling as I go, “Yes… got it… right there… this should work.”  This is the nightmare erasing ritual I created a few years ago, based on an improvisational parenting moment (aren’t they all?), based on an idea I had given my little sister post-nightmare, 25 years ago.  It is perhaps a bit dishonest, in the same vein as kissing away the hurt.  But it is a version of the mother/child pact that has probably existed as long as there have been mothers and children.  Moms make things better.

Someday, he will understand that I don’t have the power to erase anything.  That I can’t really fix very much, that I’m not even “just a tiny bit magic” like he thinks I am now.  He will realize that the world can be big, and mean and complicated.  Perhaps he’s started to figure this out already.

But tonight, in the dark, I am his mom, and I have the ability to fix it.  I can heal, I can help, I can calm.  And I can make the bad dreams go away.  I do not take that loving trust lightly.

“That’s better,” he whispers.  And this time, we hold hands as I walk him back to his room and warm bed.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BDb6x2CO46l/?taken-by=sarkytartlet

To Plum at Four

Posted in Children, Kid Stuff, Kids, Miscellany by

(Late again on this birthday update – time and tax season are to blame.  But now, here we are, just around the corner from Pickle’s 6th, so Plum certainly deserves a small ode to her 4th.)

https://www.instagram.com/p/BEcK_UjO42t/?taken-by=sarkytartlet

To Plum at Four

And just like that, you turned the corner from toddler to kid.  Little to big.

 

https://www.instagram.com/p/BD1ss9Ru4wY/?taken-by=sarkytartlet

My sweet Plum with the “golden” hair and silly hula moves.

https://www.instagram.com/p/7ESvO2u4wt/?taken-by=sarkytartlet

You are the brightest star.  I finally understand what it means when they say someone is “beaming” because your huge smile IS sunshine.  Actual sunshine.

https://www.instagram.com/p/8vtb6eO4z3/?taken-by=sarkytartlet

You love to play and be heard.  You love your own space.  Your hugs are always lovely surprises.

https://www.instagram.com/p/88ddgfO41O/?taken-by=sarkytartlet

You are brave.  You love to run.  You love to help (until you don’t).  You love Elsie cat so much we worry slightly for her safety.  You are good at being part of a team.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BDgYtoGu42W/?taken-by=sarkytartlet

You are silly and smart, fun and funny.  You are confident.  You work hard.  And more than anyone I know, the camera catches the essence of you.  Perhaps because you don’t hold back, or perhaps because you just can’t help but let your light shine through.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BB_XTYuO460/?taken-by=sarkytartlet

You are my middle, and perhaps – unsure when to lead and when to follow – you just decided to do it your own dang way in your own sweet time.   And I love you for it.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BBL-FHdu49-/?taken-by=sarkytartlet

Happy birthday Plum.  Four is awesome, and so are you.

https://www.instagram.com/p/4u9dX9u4-W/?taken-by=sarkytartlet

Pistachio Turned Two

Posted in Admissions of a Tired Mom, Baby, Children, Kid Stuff, Kids, Mommydom, Parenting by
A few weeks late my dearest little.
You turned two.  TWO!
And cried when we sang to you.
And passed on the cake, too.
Because now it’s time to do things your way.
Because you’re two.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BC4AVOVO4xh5DyFHjMtMkVQoniCHNdJjs4nojs0/

Our puzzle doer, our book reader, who loves to show us and tell us that you get it, that you’ve got things figured out. You ask for what you want. Your demands are most often reasonable, a banana, a book, a binkie, a blanket, and bed.

https://www.instagram.com/p/2Mt0q0O46ptWvRAOLZvUXJbTr-9E9pDlQRxJ80/

https://www.instagram.com/p/65ywCNO45uJe14OrerIAzS19sgYTsWMUphcmk0/

Our blonde, dimple-cheeked boy, with the adorable almost-buck-toothed grin and throaty giggle.  I worry about that mischievous glint in your eye, but I don’t worry much.

https://www.instagram.com/p/8GUYDcO463clkgtKocfv_9ej-d2uh7IBNYHo40/

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Our curious boy, who tries to stump us, by suggesting random animals and items during our nightly singing of “Old MacDonald.”  I never knew that Old MacDonald’s farm contained a bear, an ear and a blanket.  And I do not know what sound an ear makes.

https://www.instagram.com/p/5VpfCou4yhbi-tzyzYb4GOuSxlIVQoEAD-r2k0/

https://www.instagram.com/p/9hbhy4u472ZX0zyKPOSagV49ihuVURqKz3GEs0/

Our cuddly guy, the one most likely to climb into my lap, and cuddle into my side. Always willing to snuggle in the low light before bed.  Longer legs dangle now, but your head still fits perfectly between my ear and my shoulder.

https://www.instagram.com/p/6vnF0ku48O9swFjHNp9n-qbjktAUTJCFIrxVM0/

I love how you love your siblings, and how they love you.  The three of you are so joyful in the mornings, when you greet each other in your room, tickled that you’re all together another day, making that laughing, glorious noise that can only be created by gaggles of small delighted children. You are gifts to one another.  You are gifts to us.

https://www.instagram.com/p/_sKLWRu4_YQ60q5XQhB-gX7qLQ0YGJzFNxMSw0/

https://www.instagram.com/p/_QIvmGu40sTWMyQT1sFlqnroadwfCIJJFGQ4Q0/

I love you so much my dear littlest one. Happy birthday to you.

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To my firstborn at midnight.

Posted in Baby, Children, Kids, Mommydom, Parenting by

To My Firstborn at Midnight

I wake you gently at midnight.

And you yawn and stretch,

Your mouth widening into the imperfect “O” I suddenly remember from years ago,

When your limbs were not so long, your sleep not so solid.

When you were still so small you fit in my arms. And we spent minutes and hours in the glow of the hall nightlight.

Your face, grown, is still yours.

And your crooked yawn is the same.

And I can’t quite believe how heavy you have become as I pick up your slack, warm, lanky body that smells like spit, and sweet sweat, and blankets.

And I am glad. And tired.

Because the middle of the quiet nights with you are mine alone.

It will be years until another person knows your midnight yawn.

For now, it is all mine.

 

 

Middle Hours

Posted in Kids, Mommydom, Parenting by

middle

My middle. My girl. Fierce, wide-eyed, brave. With your loud, true laugh and a run that looks like dancing, skipping, rushing. Like your feet can’t keep up.

You’ve never loved hugs. They don’t suit you in the daylight.

But at night, when the house is sleeping, you crawl into my bed, pulling the covers over you and my arms around you. Placing my arms where you would like them. Silently asking to be held and showing me how. Nestled into my chest. Sighing.

And there you stay, for five minutes or forty-five. Quiet. Awake. Close. Until I ask gently if you are ready, ready to go back to your bed. Sometimes you need more time. Sometimes you whisper “yes” and sneak with me back into the room where your brother sleeps so deeply. And I cover you up, whisper “I love you” and watch as you smile and close your eyes.

My middle, my center.

To Pickle at Five

Posted in Kids, Mommydom, Parenting by

More than four, less than six

I kiss your tangy sweaty little boy head as you push me away.

There is sand in your hair clinging to your scalp.

Because you were doing somersaults in the dirt.

I should have known.

***

In early evening you sit, tired from a day spent figuring out the workings of the world, inside and out.

Your little brother crawls over you.  And over you again.

You don’t mind. You barely look away from the program on the TV.

***

You have grown so capable.

Limbs lengthening. Now all muscle and bone, and soft tight skin.

New freckles dot your nose. Your teeth used to seem so big.

***

Last week we saw the planets, and marveled at the vastness of the universe.

How this goes around that, and that goes around this.

And I marveled at you, my boy, who entered this world face up, eyes open.

***

Reflection

Happy belated birthday to my dearest Pickle, a kind and generous boy who has only just started being a little too cool for my kisses.

Close up

Just a Regular Life

Posted in Home, Kids, Mommydom, Parenting by

One spring evening, cuddled up together under my down comforter, I asked Pickle what he wanted to be when he grew up, what kind of life he wanted to have.

“Just a regular life,” he replied, as if my question was a little silly.

Just a regular life.

I smiled.

“You mean like the life we have now?” I asked.  He nodded.

***

Several years ago I asked my husband what kind of bird he would be if he could be any bird at all.

“A robin,” he answered, without hesitation, “or a blue jay.  Just a regular bird.”

I didn’t believe him. I couldn’t believe him.

“A robin?  Just like a regular, run-of-the-mill robin?  You wouldn’t want to be a hawk, or an eagle, or something interesting like a penguin or an ostrich? A heron?”

“No,” he shook his head, “just a robin.”

***

1981

We met in nursery school.  Though I can’t honestly say that I remember him.  I remember the swing set and missing a step and rolling my ankle.  And I have vague, watercolor memories of making art projects, perhaps Easter bonnets, in a bright sun-filled room.

We went to high school together.  I sat behind him in Ms. Zaffer’s 9th grade science class.  He teased me, and wore bright striped shirts that were too big for him. In college he called me, very much out of the blue, and perhaps under the influence of some adult beverages.   We dated.  Then we didn’t.  But he still agreed to come to my 5th college reunion with me.

And when we ducked into the parking garage by the grad school to escape a torrential downpour I looked at him and I knew.  I knew that I would marry him.

And I did, a few years later in the same church that housed our preschool.

wedding

***

Of course he wanted to be a robin.  He is a robin.

I had dated hawks, dodos, kiwis.  I had lusted after eagles and peacocks. But I married a robin. My robin.

My robin who is humble and kind.  My robin who is responsible and loving.  My robin whose goal has never been fame, or attention, or fortune, but instead just to lead a good and regular life.  Spending time with his family, loving his kids, mowing the lawn, going to work, going to church, paying bills, cooking dinner, playing catch, changing diapers, reading magazines.  Learning, laughing, doing.

Playing

***

A few weeks ago, at an event, a childhood acquaintance who I hadn’t seen in at least a decade complimented me on my handsome (baby-holding) husband, much the way someone would compliment me on a new sports car or a trophy wife.  I laughed, a bit uncomfortably, but agreed.  “He is tall and handsome,” I conceded. But, I thought to myself, he is so much more.

***

“Just a regular life,” I repeated to Pickle. He smiled, his nose with new spring freckles crinkled.

He is five.  I had expected him to tell me that he wanted to be a Superhero or a Transformer, or to lead some sort of fantastical life.

But he is his father’s son.  A little robin who is content to live a life of kindness, loving other people, being a normal kid, doing normal kid things, and snuggling with his mom on a spring night.

“Do you know what kind of job you want?” I asked him, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

He thought.  “A cowboy,” he said, “and a dad.”

I kissed his forehead.

“That sounds like a very good plan to me,” I said. “And I think you’ll be a really great dad.”

Edits-0085

Plum is Three

Posted in Kid Stuff, Kids, Mommydom, Parenting by

My dearest Plum, 

Sweet Baby Girl

I was about to write your brother’s “Happy Birthday” post when I realized that I never wrote one for you.  Alas, your March birthday – right in the thick of winter and our family’s craziest time of year – means that your big 3rd birthday recap is 2 months late.

 Birthday #3

The way I feel about you, the way I love you is difficult for me to type out in words. Not just because the feelings are so big, but because you are a complicated and amazing little person.

 Bed head

You are my girl.

Love this Goofy gals Mom love

You are so able to go with the flow. Until you aren’t.  

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You know what you want. 

Anna loves balloons (1)

We never have to wonder about what you’re feeling, though I often wonder what you’re thinking.

All style (1)

You have worked so hard lately to understand your very big feelings.  I’m so proud of you for this. And I’m so proud of how you’ve put words to them.  

Joyful (1)

Sometimes you thrive on your successes, working to be a big girl.

She found a highlighter (1)

Sometimes you choose to do whatever the heck you feel like.  I love this about you, although it can make parenting you a challenge.

So serious.

You challenge me, you always have.  I hope I help to guide you to good choices, without tamping down your spirit, your pluck, your voice.

My Anna (1)

You are silly.  You ask good questions.  You are learning how to be in charge of yourself. 

Joyful Anna

You are brave. Not a daredevil, but brave. Braver than I ever was.

Edits-0074

Your waters run deep, my little girl.  This is so very obvious to me, and perhaps why it is hard to describe and define you. 

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I am sometimes too hard on you – and perhaps expect too much. After all you are only 3.  I’m not sure why I do this – maybe because we’re so different, or maybe because we’re so alike.

 Outside fun. Spring finally (1)

Happy birthday dearest Plum, you are my heart.